When I woke up Tuesday morning after about two hours of sleep, I had a post-Post hangover. I popped onto my blog, intending to delete my pathetically purple prose before anyone saw it, but I was too late. Seven comments already - cringe. I fully expected a major bitch-slapping in response my insomniattitude (e.g. "Quit yer bellyachin', for crissakes! Think of all the other sweets-deprived, bored, horny people all over the world who bury their pain by addictively viewing "Wheel of Fortune" reruns on rabbit-ear TVs with bad reception.")
To my surprise, my blogfriends passed no judgment on my little tantrum, instead giving me a heaping dose of blog love. Golly! You all are too good to me.
And just when I thought things couldn't get any better, my doorbell rang. It was my mommy. Without a word, she thrust her hands forward and presented to me ...
... this thick-as-concrete, 50,000,000-calorie, dairygasmic, Butterscotch Malted Milkshake that makes me weak in the knees just to think about. Cold sex in a tall plastic cup. All mine. I inhaled about half of it, went into acute sugar shock, and passed out for a solid one-hour nap. Ecstacy.Is my mom the bomb, or what?! I officially dub her this blog's official Goddess of Liquid Love!
But that doesn't seem like enough. My mom really is so wonderful; I want to do something special to show my love and admiration for her.
I considered getting a chest-wide Mom tattoo and pierced nipples in her honor, but it would have interfered with my upcoming saintly blood donation.Instead, I have written the following tribute song. Please clap to the rhythm with me now, and sing along to the melody of Toni Basil's cheerific ditty, "Hey Mickey".
HEY MOMMY, by Mama Mara
*Clap Clap-Clap Clap*
*Clap-Clap Clap*
(CHORUS)
Hey Mommy - You're so fine - You're so fine - You blow my mind.
Hey, Mommy! *Clap Clap-Clap* Hey, Mommy! *Clap Clap-Clap*
Hey Mommy - You're so fine - You're so fine - You blow my mind.
Hey, Mommy! *Clap Clap-Clap* Hey, Mommy! *Clap Clap-Clap* ...
(MUSIC CRESCENDOS)
*Clap-Clap* Hey MOMMY!
You help me when I'm sick - You send me off to bed.
Then Taz starts being a d!ck - But you don't lose your head -
Or hit him with a stick. - You love him up instead, MOMMY!
*Clap-Clap Clap* *Clap-Clap Clap*
When Rocky starts to talk - For seven hours straight -
About R-rated movies - That you completely hate,
You stop his monologue - And get him to debate, MOMMY!
(REFRAIN)
Hey, Mommy, you're the bomb-y
You don't understand
You save me from myself - When my boys are out of hand
Oh, Mommy, all the drama-y - Not the life I planned.
But moms like you, Mommy - Oh what you do, Mommy, do! Mommy!
You get me through, Mommy!
*Clap-Clap* Hey MOMMY!
You've seen Taz at his worst - when he is full of rage.
You've seen him at his best - And helped him to engage.
I can't thank you enough - for being such a sage Mommy.
*Clap-Clap Clap* *Clap-Clap Clap*
You're Rocky's confidante - He calls you night and mornin'
He knows no topic is - Too taboo or too thorny.
If only he would not - Keep telling you he's horny. Eh, Mommy?
(REFRAIN)
Hey, Mommy, you're the bomb-y
You don't understand
You save me from myself - When my boys are out of hand
Oh, Mommy, all the drama-y - Not the life I planned.
But moms like you, Mommy - Oh what you do, Mommy, do Mommy!
I love you, too, Mommy!
*Clap Clap-Clap Clap*
*Clap-Clap Clap*
(FADE OUT. EVERYONE BOW!)
I LOVE YOU, MOMMY!
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